This is my Blog, on it I simply write stuff that I feel like writing about. You'll find it heavily slanted towards tech, games, entertainment and the like. I write about other stuff too, and somethings I write about things. I also do photography, the link is on your right.

Monday, 3 December 2012

Left, Right? Left.

Alan Turing, Pablo Picasso, Fredrich Niezche, Barak Obama, Bill Clinton, Robert NcNamara, Winston Churchill, Bill Gates, Jim Henson, Mark Twain, Nikola Tesla, J Edgar Hoover, Paul McCartney, Buzz Aldrin, Bob Dylan, Jimi Hendricks, Albert Einstein, Ludwig Van Beethoven, H.G. Wells, Douglas Adams, and Henry Ford.
Can you wager a guess as to what all these people have in common?  If you said they were all born with 11 toes, your would be dead wrong, also what the hell is wrong with you?  If you said they were all astounding, impactful people, contributing greatly to the world as we know it today, your would be partially right.  No, the tie that binds these people is that they are all left handed.  Now, the reason I point this out is to illustrate that left handed people are not gimped, we are not handicapped in some way, we are not invalids.  We are a rare and beautiful thing, making up less than 10% of the population of the planet.  Now you might think I’m cherry picking all the good left handed people and leaving out all the amazing right handed people to further my own left-handed agenda.  You are correct.  There are both good and bad people who are left or right handed, but that data doesn't skew in my favour to prove my point, so I shall ignore it.
Some time ago I posted a blog entry talking about introverted personalities.  In it I brushed upon the topic of left-handedness, comparing the similar reactions people have to our “condition.”  That reaction is of course, “if I don’t understand it, or can’t identify with it, it must be bad.”
So lefties, much like introverts, get relegated to a second-class citizen.  You would never patronize, or look down upon any one of the people in my aforementioned list.  That somehow changes if you are just a regular lefty, now you are broken in some way, you need special care.
I remember kindergarten, the teacher was trying to teach us all the basics of writing, specifically, how to properly hold a pencil.  We had these special pencils with little triangular rubber grips to help us get a feel for where out fingers should go.  Now, most people take a skill like this for granted, but to this day, I cannot hold a pen or pencil properly.  The teacher couldn’t figure out how to teach me, she couldn’t comprehend how to show me, so she just gave up, told me to figure it out for myself.  It’s bad enough that I have to drag my hand through everything i write, staining the heel of my hand with graphite or ink.  The same scenario happed a bit later when it came to shoe tying lessons.  I would use the opposite hand for the loops and bunny ears and the what have you.  I had to do it myself, nobody could teach me.  To make matters worse, when it came to arts and crafts time, all the left-handed scissors looked markedly different from the other scissors.  It made me stand out, kids would wonder why I needed special scissors, was there something wrong with me?  I took it upon myself to learn how to use the same scissors that all the other kids used.  The problem was, the teacher would see me using them, and take them away, saying I should use the proper scissors, designed specially for my ilk.  Why couldn’t the lefty ones look the same, you would just need to put a little “L” on the handle or something.  So if your think I'm being overly dramatic but using the phrase “second-class citizen” then why was I treated as such?
Here’s where things get really insulting.  I was looking to buy a new mouse. Normally it just use a symmetrical mouse, basic, but functional.  Then I got to thinking, there are all these cool-ass gaming mice out there, with thumb buttons and extra controls all over them.  Maybe I could find something like that, but for a left hand.  So I did some poking around, this is what I got:
31KyuMTs35L._SL500_AA300_         images
What in the hell are these unholy abominations!?  What am I, fucking retarded?  I need some crazy fucked up awkward, backwards ass piece of crap clearly designed by a right handed person who thinks we need some sort of special help.  I have a great idea, how about you take that awesome right handed gaming mouse, and make a mirror image version of it?  I’m perfectly capable of figuring out your “big boy” mice, you condescending prick.
Here’s where things degrade into the comical.  The one gaming advantage of being left handed is the number pad on the keyboard.  I have my mouse on the left, and my right hand on the keypad, it’s a perfect fit.  Right handed people have the use WASD, or turn their keyboard  at a weird angle to use the number pad.  Behold, the left handed keyboard!
102419577-260x260-0-0_Maxi Aids Left Handed Keyboard with PS 2 and USB I   
The one advantage I did have has been striped away.  See, what right handed people don’t understand is this:  Right handed people’s left hand is next to useless to them, they can’t do anything with it.  Left handed peoples right hand is quite capable of many tasks.  For instance, this keyboard assumes that lefties are like righty's, to do data entry effectively on the number pad, you would need your dominate hand.  This is not true, I can do it just fine with my right, I can even use a mouse with relative proficiency, not quite good enough for gaming, but well enough for everyday tasks.  This keyboard is useless!
Finally we come to the absurd:
   I’m speechless.


Thursday, 15 November 2012

Dark souls (Or maybe light grey-ish Souls)


So I bought darks souls for PS3 about 3 months ago.  Ever since then it’s been sitting on my desk.  A looming danger, like a school-yard bully just waiting for the perfect opportunity to beat me up and take my lunch money.  All this time it’s been sitting there, and I hadn’t the nerve to played it.

I need to back up a bit.  You have to understand that I have some weird, possibly unhealthy fascination with this game.  There’s just something about it that keeps drawing me toward it.  I must have watched at least half a dozen let’s play’s of it on Youtube.  I’ve seen ultra skilled masters of the game, who make it look like they might be playing a Disney princess game instead of one of the most punishingly difficult games around.  I’ve also seen newbies, fighting tooth and nail for every single inch of progress they make.  What is it about this damn game?

I though about this a lot, and I think I have it.  This game simply does not give a single fuck about the player.  It doesn’t go out of it’s way to ease you into the game, doesn’t have difficulty settings, it doesn’t give you direction.

It uses unconventional controls, that force you to unlearn every convention that has been ground into players for years.  Everyone knows for action games the face buttons do the important stuff like attack, jump, shoot and the like.  The shoulder buttons are usually for secondary things, switch weapons or targets, lean, special abilities, that sort of thing.  Not Dark souls.  Now don’t get me wrong, the controls make sense, left triggers for you left hand, right triggers for your right hand, face buttons for everything else, roll, use item, switch stance.  For me, that was the first biggest hurdle.

There is a sort of tutorial at the beginning of the game, it teaches you a few of the basics, how to attack, block, and dodge.  It also teaches you how to die.  Dying is probably the single most important aspect of the game, you will die, a lot, and it will all be your fault.  There is no cheap deaths, if you die, it’s because of your lack of skill, not bad game design.  I died five times in the tutorial.  If you stick with it you will get better, and the sense of accomplishment is acute.

After the tutorial, you basically get plopped down right in the middle of this seamless, expansive and above all, dangerous world.  So, there you are, sword in one hand, shield in the other.  What do I do now?  Well, you go explore.  It doesn’t hold your hand, saying ok, now go here and pick up the treasure.  It say, “fuck you, figure it out.”  You go someplace that’s too tough for you right now?  Well, then you die, but you’ve learned a little bit about the game, try a different area.

dark souls hydra
Yes, you actually have to fight thing, and yes, it wants to kill your face.
The game also has no artificial limitations.  Most games, there are so many things that aren’t allowed.  You can’t kill the smarmy NPC who annoys you, he’s needed for the story.  Not so in Dark Souls.  If it moves, you can probably kill it.  If you kill an NPC, well, then he’s gone, game moves forward, and changes accordingly.  You kill a vendor that had a spell you wanted to buy?  Well, guess you’ll never have that spell, move on.  You can’t save and re-load if things don’t go according to plan.  The game continues to save, constantly.  Everything you do is permanent.  The world is yours in this game, granted, it’s a cold, violent, brutal, uncaring world, but it’s yours none the less. 

There is no right or wrong way to play it, but there is a LOT of ways to play it.
I’m aware that this game isn't entirely unique, the company that made this game, FROM software, released a game a few years before this one call Demon’s Soul.  In many ways, Dark’s souls is a sort of spiritual successor.  What blew my mind though, is that Demon’s soul isn't the first either.  One of the other reasons that this game draws me in is because it reminded me of something.  Something I couldn’t quite put my finger on.  Then it hit me.  There was a series of little know RPG’s that were released on the PS, and the PS2, years and years ago.  They were the King’s Field games.  They too, were ball-bustlingly hard.  They too had seamless non-linear environments.  They too had creepy NPC’s found in the most unlikely of places.  They too most certainly didn’t give a fuck about you, the dear player.  Lastly, after doing a little investigating, I found that they too were made by FROM Software.

This is the FIRST boss in the game (not counting the tutorial boss)

All this time, FROM software has been quietly sitting, waiting, scheming, perfecting their stellar, yet punishing game design.  Getting ready to unleash the madness to the unsuspecting gaming public.
So, I finally manned up, and started to play it.  It’s rare when a game can continually feed you a real sense of accomplishment.  Every encounter, no matter how trivial, I treat like a boss battle.  Even the lowliest critters in the game can and will kill you, but only if you let them.  Keep your guard up, be wary, think clearly, be patient, and learn from your mistakes.  If you do this, you will have a great time.  Treat the game flippantly, try to just breeze along, the game will stab you right in the dink.



Thursday, 8 November 2012

New Game Round-up

Well, it’s that time of year again.  The time when all the major game publishers start to poop out all of their AAA big budget titles for the upcoming Christmas shopping orgy.  I though I’d select a few choice morsels and dissect them right in from of you, spill out their gooey insides for all the world to gawk at in amazement.  Keep in mind the following opinions are just that, my ill-informed highly unprofessional, and possibly juvenile opinions.  Well, this train isn’t going to wreck itself, so let’s get started.
There have been many travesties masquerading as x-com games over the years, some have been unleashed mercilessly on the public, some have been shit canned before completion, all have been horrible.  In X-coms case, I would say that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, but that didn’t happen.  For 18 years now x-com has been fucked with and mess around with to the point I never though this day would come.  Yet here we are, a game modeled almost exactly after the original, fully modernized.  Of course “modernized” is usually a euphemism for “dumbed down.”  X-com mostly escapes this curse, mostly.  The new control scheme is easy to pick up and play, and is adapted to work with a controller.  The base building segments are fun and flow nicely, but there are a few annoyances.  New recruits come completely unskilled, they can basically shoot, and throw a grenade.  As soon as they level up once, they are assigned a class, and it’s random!  Just by sheer luck of the draw, you could unwittingly end up with a whole army of snipers with little or no heavy’s, scouts, or assaults.  You need some of everything if you want to not die.  Second, you can’t shoot unless you have an alien in sight.  Now that may not sound like big deal, but what if I wanted to shoot a gas pump, causing an explosion that might give me an edge?  It strips away a layer of strategy for no discernable reason.  Lastly, when you get a shot, the game always calculates the percent chance of hit, but, and I might be wrong about this, I don’t think that percent chance includes the evasion skill of the enemy.  So if the games says you have 50% chance to hit an enemy, it’s more like 40%, and if that enemy is an advanced one, possibly less, 35% or lower.  Add this to the fact that the game is punishingly hard, there are most assuredly going to be frustrating moments, like your star soldier whiffing on a 97% chance to hit, then getting his face melted off.  The sense of achievement you get from winning is an almost perfect counterpoint to this though, well played Firaxis.
Ten years ago, Halo was a launch title for the Xbox-not-360.  The aftershock of the impact this had on the console gaming world is still being felt today.  People had never seen anything quite like it, and clung tenaciously to their comically oversized controllers, finally getting a taste of what PC gamers had been enjoying for years.  I picked up Halo for PC, I played it, I finished it, I really enjoyed it.  Aside from some tedious backtracking, it was an extremely well crafted game.  There’s very little I didn’t like about it.  After it was done, I felt a sense of closure, I didn’t really feel like the story needed anything else.  I’m not a huge fan of making sequels just for the sake of making them.  I love unique IP’s, and wish game developers would take more chances.  All the Halo’s since the first one have been safe and secure games, cash cows if you will.  I am however, going to begrudgingly give Halo 4 some deserved respect.  Considering that this is the first full Halo game that 343 industries has made, they did an amazing job.  Bungie couldn’t have done it better.  The game looks, and feels very much like it’s predecessors, and it is absolutely drop dead gorgeous.  It’s amazing that developers are still managing to squeeze new things out of aging consoles.  If you are a big fan of all the others, Halo 4 will deliver the goods. If you are looking for something fresh, keep looking.  Much like the end of the last segment, I cap if off with a salute to the developer, well played 343.
All I could think about when this game was first debuted last year was, “I can’t wait to tomawk somebody right in the fucking face!”  I was so excited, it’s gonna be like last of the Mohicans, only in a game.  Now I understand that it’s a pretty long and winding narrative path to somehow shoehorn Conner into the AC universe, but this is fucking ridiculous.  When you are five chapters into the game and you still have yet to see that signature white hooded Assassins cloak, you know Ubisoft is doing it wrong.  I feel like every Character in the game should be wearing a Scumbag Steve hat.  I like the hunting aspect of the game, if only because it fits.  I mean, If you are a native American death machine romping through the forest, you’re going to stab a bear or two in the neck, there’s no way around this.  What would be the perfect compliment to that type of gameplay?  I know, navel battles!  What. The. Fuck.  I wanted to like this game so bad, but it just didn’t want to be my friend.  To end this on a positive note, Ubisoft continues to blow my ass away with it’s game engine.  Everything looks fantastic, scenery, characters, sound effects, and animation.  Anyone who’s tried to run in deep snow knows they nailed that run animation for those parts.  Probably helps that they are Canadian developers, and that’s how they get to work everyday.  Running though deep snow with a rabid grizzly hot on their heels.
Oh my goodness!  I was pretty sure the glut of Lego games had worn out their welcome a long time ago.  Then along comes a gem like this.  Of all the LOTR games that have been released over the years, this is by far the coolest one I have ever seen.  All the dialog is ripped directly from the movie, so the voices are authentic.  Take the serious dialog, and blend it with the trademark slapstick humour style of the Lego games, and you’d think it would be a mess.  You’d be wrong.  Somehow, it meshes perfectly, and it’s delightful.  It’s funny, fun, looks great, and feels great.  I could easily recommend this game to anyone, young or old, based solely on the demo.  Also it’s co-op, double your fun kids!
There you go, a completely unhelpful, quick little snapshot of the games that will be occupying millions of gamers consoles this season.  In the immortal words of Wayne Campbell: “Game on!”
As a close, I’d like to make a special mention of two more big games this season.  That would be Need For Speed: Most wanted and Call of Duty: Black ops II.  Go fuck your respective selves EA and Activsion.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012


Well good tiding ladies and germs, Halloween is almost upon us once again.  Seemly sneaking out from the dark shadowy corner of a abandon mental institute basement.  Scraping ominously forward on the cold concrete, throaty ragged breath and menacing red glowing eyes dragging closer, and closer.  There is no escape, your back up against the wall, clammy and slick with some unknown, gummy liquid.  Possibly blood, but it’s to dark to tell.  It’s on your hands, the back of your jacket, in your hair.  The remnants of it’s last victim no doubt.  You glance toward the stairs, at the top of the landing is a single flickering bulb, hanging from a frayed wire.  It’s should be casting it’s light down the flight of stairs toward you, but it seems to shy away, almost as if it knows whatever is down here should not and can not be illuminated.  You are panicking now. Your breath is coming in ragged gasps, there’s not enough air down here, you can’t seem to think clearly.  There’s a small voice in back of your mind, a voice of reason saying, this isn’t happening, this isn’t real, but it’s muffled and far away.  It’s very close now, darkness, black shadowy nightmare.  A sudden high pitched shriek echo's through the building and its on you. There is no struggle, there is no fight, just a fresh coat of red on the wall behind you.

Thank you, thank you, I’ll be here all week, be sure to tip your waitress, and try the veal.

I really enjoy Halloween.  I’m not one of these people who spend half the year cooking up an insane costume or anything like that, my enjoyment is a little more…subdued.  I mean, I don’t like parties, I don’t like dressing up, I don’t like kids, what else is there?  I like Halloween because it bring into the spotlight something that I find very fascinating, the perception of the paranormal.  Ghosts, demons, witchcraft, voodoo, ESP, precognition, telepathic powers, magic, and of course zombies!

I use the term perception of the paranormal because that’s what it is, perceptions, all this stuff is completely harmless, because it only exists in our minds eye, but that doesn’t make it any less fun.
Obviously there are countless accounts of people all over the world who swear by their experiences into the unknown. I wholeheartedly agree that these people wholeheartedly believe what they have experienced is real.  There is one very important thing to consider whenever you believe you have experienced something supernatural, and this is the whole concept of this post.

Your brain is a complete and utter ASSHOLE!

It is the one foe that knows your every weakness, it knows how to push your buttons.  It knows how to get under your skin, because it quite literally is.  It’s the foe that you cannot outsmart, cannot reason with, it will defeat you at every turn.  It doesn’t matter how clever you are, how reasonable you are, or how savvy you are, it’s better.

I browsed a conversation on reddit the other day, it was a discussion of people posting the freakiest thing that ever happened to them.  I would say that a good 60-70% of the stories posted were of the “something evil in my bedroom” kind of thing.  Every one of them had the same aspects to them.

-A dark figure, either hovering over them, standing at the foot of the bed, sitting on their chest, or coming in through a door/window.
-Hard to breath, pressure on the chest or back
-sense of looming evil, hatred, or malice
-hearing breathing or voices
-inability to move or talk

Now this all sounds very terrifying, and if it happens to you, it in fact does feel very real.  I should know, it’s happened to me. To discover what is really going on here all you really have to do is Google “sleep paralysis.”  Every single one of these points correspond exactly with a symptom of it.  Essentially what is happening is, you are stuck somewhere between REM sleep and fully conscious.  This can last for several seconds to several hours in rare cases.  You can’t move because your body is paralysed during REM sleep so you can’t act out your dreams, combine that with extremely vivid hallucinations and your mind reflexively goes into self preservation mode.  When you are in that mode, your mind automatically errs on the side of caution, thus assigning your hallucinations as hostile.

It’s funny though, even when people are confronted with this overwhelmingly simple scientific explanation they somehow believe that their experience was different, that they are the exception because is was simply “too real” to have been a hallucination.  There are also the “one offs,” variations on the theme.  Some people claim that they could in fact move, and tried to escape, or that they have physical marks on them, or that someone sharing the room with them also saw it, but couldn’t seem to remember it in the morning.  What you have to remember is, your brain is a complete and utter ASSHOLE.  If it tells you it’s real, then you have no choice but to believe it.  After all, your hallucinations ARE real, then were made by your brain, which is the very same brain that insists that they are real.  You can even hallucinate that you moved, acted in some way, or maybe you even did, but just because you moved, doesn’t mean the hallucinations have to go away immediately.

Precognition was another big theme in the discussion.  People claiming to have seen or felt or experienced something happening in advance.  The most obvious explanation for this is pure and simple coincidence.  Something very similar you saw in the past corresponds with something you see in the present, and your brain makes a connection where there is none.  The second explanation although benign in nature, I find equally as terrifying as a paranormal experience.

Your memories are not what you think they are.  Often times something you remember as cold hard facts, the history of your life, is partially a fabrication.  Your memories are not set in stone, saved on a hard drive and posted to Youtube. They are in constant flux, changing ever so subtlety as time goes by.  Something you see in the present can get copy and pasted to a memory in your past.  Kind of make you wonder how fine the line really is between sane and insane.

There are a few other common threads in supposed paranormal experiences, one very popular one is suggestive psychology.  Essentially if you tell someone a house is haunted before they go it in, thier mind will fill in the blanks.  They will be more likely to experience something than someone who has not been told the house was haunted.  It’s like a placebo effect.  Simple explanation as to why that is?  Your brain is a complete and utter ASSHOLE. 

The final common theme I wanted to cover was the ol’ “something in the woods” type experiences.  Now when it’s cold and dark, and the forest is looming up ominously around you, once again, your primal instincts kick in.  Every sound, every rustle, every snapped twig is automatically assigned as a threat.  That fear is designed to keep you alive, although I doubt that fluffy little bunny that just hopped out from the underbrush is going to hurt you, you big sissy.

So, this Halloween, have fun, scare yourself!  Go hang out in graveyard at night.  Watch scary movies, tell ghost stories, visit a haunted house, walk under a ladder, break a mirror, summon Bloody Mary in the bathroom, it’s all silly, but can be fun too, even if just for an adrenaline rush.
Oh, and seriously it’s just a bunny, a fluffy one, with a poofy tail.  Ya’ big baby.


Friday, 12 October 2012

Kidney Disease, Nothing Funny about that

There are all kinds of horrible diseases in this world.  Large, far reaching diseases like cancer and AIDS.  These are so prevalent in todays society that it would be difficult to find someone who has NOT in some way been affected by it.  It is estimated by the World Heath Organization that 7.6 million+ people die worldwide ever year from cancer.  There are over 200 different types of cancer that the human body can be afflicted with, and there are only three different treatments.  Naturally because of the scope and scale of this disease, it gets lots of exposer.  Cancer research, treatment trials, fund raisers, Facebook slacktivism, celebrity spokespeople, etc.  It’s ubiquitous as far as diseases go.  You ask anyone to quickly name a disease, cancer will probably be their answer.  It deservers the attention it gets.

As deadly as it is, there is one disease that can overshadow even cancer’s far reaching grasp, and that would be the disease that YOU have.

Everyone no doubt has heard of Kidney disease, after all it’s mortality rate is quiet respectable at around 1.2 million deaths per year, worldwide.  The term “Kidney disease” is kind of a catch all for many distinct different afflictions that  just happen to target the kidneys.  Some can be immediately fatal, like acute kidney failure, some are simply extremely painful but otherwise harmless, like kidney stones.  The most common kind however, is chronic kidney disease.  It’s a slow, steady, inevitable march towards renal failure.  It’s insidiousness lies in the fact that someone can have a disease their whole life and not know it until it’s too late.  No symptoms, no side effects.

This is what I have, and as selfish as it may sound, to me, it is the most important disease.  To be more specific, I have polycystic kidney disorder, or PKD for short.  There are two versions of this disease, but by far the most common type is the autosomal dominant version.  It’s transmitted genetically from parent to child at an alarming rate of a 50% chance.  PKD is widely noted as being the most life-threatening genetically past on disorder.  Basically what happens is your kidneys start to grow cysts, usually this starts at a fairly young age.  Then, as you age you start to get cysts on your cysts.  Your kidneys start  to balloon out as you age, getting up to four or five times their original size.  From here there is a whole shopping list of symptoms that cab occur.  Oddly though, patients my experience some none or even all of them.  Nobody really knows why the extreme divergence.

These include mild to sever back and side pain, as well as headaches.  Urinary tract infections, hematuria, liver and pancreas cysts, abnormal heart valves, high blood pressure, kidney stones, aneurysms, exhaustion and diverticulosis.  Or course, in addition your kidneys can slowly start the grim march toward failure.  I say “can” because in some lucky people, the kidneys never do fail.  They can live a relatively normal healthy life.  Once again, nobody seems to have an answer as to why that is.  Noticing a trend?  Nobody seems to know much of anything about this disease, I’ve even got to doctors and had to explain to them what it was.
One side effect that you won’t read in any medical text or website is this.  If you have this disease, then it is very likely that several if not all of your family members do too.  This not only means you will not be getting a transplant from them, but you could potentially have to watch all of your loved ones slowly degrading into renal failure.  My Grandmother ultimately died from it when I was very young.  My mother has it, my sister has it, my brother has it, as well as a whole cavalcade of cousins, aunts, uncles, nieces and nephews. 

Every day I thank the anonymous person who sign up to donate their organs when they past.  That person gave my mother a kidney.  Such a simply thing, and yet if you were to do it, you will have a profound impact on someone’s life, even if you never know it.

Why am I writing this?  I feel like this is an intensely personal thing, more suited to private journal than a public blog.  I think maybe because I feel the need to shine some light on the disease, even though nobody reads this damn thing.  Possibly it’s because I am scared, terrified in fact.  I am one of the unlucky ones, I have been blesses with almost every nasty symptom that my kidneys can throw at me.  I’m scared, but I need to face up to it, I have no choice in the matter.  This is one way for me to face up to that fear.  Call it out publicly and say, “fuck you PKD!”  I think it’s a general rule that if your are crying as you are typing, your probably shouldn’t publish it, but you know, fuck it. 


Thursday, 27 September 2012

Windows 8 my Indie gaming!

So I was surfing the ol’ internets, as I often do, and I came across this little gem of a headline on Kotaku.com.

Notch: “I’d rather have minecraft not run on win 8 at all than to play along.”

This isn’t the first time the self appointed elder-god of indie gaming has voiced his complete and utter distain for Windows 8.  He’s not the only one either, Gabe Newell of Valve has also expressed his distaste for the OS.  The crux of their collective argument is that it will turn the windows platform into a “Walled garden” type environment not unlike the Apple ecosystem.  Somehow this will stymie innovation, the windows app store will take control and it will all be over.  Dogs and cats living together!  Mass hysteria!

Now, I know both of these fellas are pretty big names in the gaming world, and I personally respect Mr. Newell a great deal.  I have to wonder though, what the fuck are they blathering about?  Notch feels that the app store will hamper indie developers and discourage them from developing software.  Well, have you looked at the windows phone app store recently?  The store that soon will be one and the same as the Windows 8 store?  A huge percentage of the apps there are made by fucking indie developers!  Gabe feels that a lot of top tier OEM companies will exit the PC market, and leave Win 8 for dead on the side of the road.  Clearly not the case; as I covered in a previous post, everyone and their grandma is making a Win 8 device this season.

You have to realize that Windows 8 is still fucking Windows!  It’s an optimized version of Win 7 with a touch based interface glued on top of it.  Nobody is worried about Win 7 somehow locking out developers and software that doesn’t have the Microsoft seal of approval stamped on it, so why do so many people have their panties in a bunch about Win 8?  It’s basically the same thing.

I have a few suggestions for Gabe.
1)Make a cool little Windows 8 style live tile for steam that shows all the current sales.  Now people can shop on steam when they aren't even on steam.
2)Do exactly what you are doing now, offering a incredible PC gaming distribution experience.
3)Stop being a whiny little bitch.

And some for Notch.
1) Go make games!  You know, that thing that made you rich and famous?
2)Stop being a whiny little bitch.


Tuesday, 18 September 2012

Apple Vs. The World (iphone 5 edition)

I have a bit of a reputation of bashing Apple, but I feel I’m a bit misunderstood.  You see, I don’t hate Apple products.  Apple make very nice devices, I feel they are way overprice for what you get, but that doesn’t bother me, I don’t buy them.  What I don’t like is people who go insane over these devices.  Not everybody is a rabid fanatic, you will find plenty of people with a lot of technical know-how that use Apple products simply because it works for them, and to that I say, “good on you!  Keep doing what you’re doing.”

As of late there has been a lot of flak directed at apple for their new iphone 5.  Some even from myself.  Do they deserve it?  Well, yes and no.  Let me explain.  On one hand, it is a very nice device, and a completely logical upgrade to the 4s.  I’m sure it is designed and built with the same signature care and quality that Apple is known for.  So in that respect, no they don’t deserve the criticisms they are garnering.

This is where it gets interesting, at least to me.  Traditionally new technologies have always been market by way of what it does.  I mean, that would be anyone’s first question when a new whirly-gig-o-rama comes out.  What does it do?  Along comes Apple and flips the script.  They are not marketing on what it does, but what it means.  What does it MEAN to have an Apple product?  It means status, it means style, it means sophistication, it means taste.  Having a shiny new iMac on your desk is just plain sexier than a plain beige or black box under the desk.   They use words like “magical” in their adds.   This strategy has help them sell products like gangbusters!  Two million iphone 5 orders in 24 hours, that’s insane. 

What burns bright never burns long though.  There is only so many times they can say “revolutionary” before it starts to become meaningless.  Apple is painting themselves into a corner, and thus they have started to get tepid responses from the people in the tech world.  The early adopters.  This is also where the poking fun at them comes in.  The iphone 5 is good, possibly even great, but its not forged by Odin himself, and tempered with unicorn tears.  So, in this regard yes, they absolutely deserve it. You reap what you sow.

So, how does this affect people?  Well like I said, for a lot of people, not at all.  They just use the damn things for what they need them for.  However, there is a segment of the Apple buying population that have fostered a manic rabid devotion to the company.  This is a direct result of the way Apple has done their marketing.  I honestly think their marketing teams have been watching evangelical churches, and taking careful notes. In many ways Apple is no different from any other large corporation, they make, market, and sell products, just like everyone else.  Yet they still stick out like a sore thumb, with countless wars waged on either side, all over the internet. I’ve never seen anything like it.  All because some marketing genius on the part of Apple, technology as a status symbol.

Or maybe it’s just fate that Apple is destined to create controversy.  Even in a post like this, where I’m simply trying to suss out why there is such a constant hoopla over this nonsense, people will probably fight and argue about whether I’m right, or completely off base.  Hell, simply by writing this post I’m inadvertently jumping in to the fray.


Would you cry and throw a fit if you couldn’t get a new iphone?  Would you trample and stampede your way into a store to get one, stepping on orphans and old ladies? Would you buy a new iphone simply because everyone else is?

Well then, I don’t like you, and I will continue to bash you and your ilk.

Are you going to buy a new iphone because you need a new phone?  Or your contract is up?  Or you’ve done some research on all the phones out and decided that it’s the best one for you?

Well then, I like you.  Gimmie a hug!

Peace everybody.


Monday, 10 September 2012

Guild Wars 2: First Impressions

So I just picked up Guild Wars 2 the other day, and I thought I’d share my thoughts on my experiences so far.  I’m doing this partly because I’m really digging this game, partly because I need to generate some content, and partly because I’m secretly hoping that someone from a big website happens across my blog and wants to hire me to scream barely coherent profanity at the internet.  Let’s get this abomination of a blog entry started shall we?

First up, I would have really preferred to buy this game, like I do all my games, via digital download.  I went to the site to buy it and lo and behold, they are sold out…of digital downloads.  Evidently they had temporarily stop generating CD keys as their servers were getting slammed with people trying to buy the game.   My only hope was to find a physical copy, which due to my keen insight, I managed to pick up at the first place I stopped.  Who would think to go to a drug store to buy a PC game? Me I guess.  I can’t even recall the last time I used this archaic method to buy a game, in fact, it’s been so long that my DVD-rom has been broken for well over a year, and I haven’t bothered to replace it, I never have any use for it.  So, after installing my new DVD-rom, I set about installing the game and I’m proud to report that installing and setting up an account went off without a hitch.

So now you might be wondering WTF is a Guild Wars 2?  Whelp, it’s a brand spanking new MMMMOORRPGGGggggggg……..that is Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing game.  There a few things that set this apart from others like WoW and what have you.  This biggest one is that it is completely free to play.  No micro-payments or subscription fees.  EFF AR E E, free.

After running the game for the first time, there was a 2 gig patch to download, which is not unusual for this kind of game.  Thankfully it went extremely fast.  Once that was done, you log on and you have to choose a server.  One thing I was disappointed to find out was that once you choose a server, you are stuck on it. You can’t make characters on a new server unless you pay a fee of some kind.  What the hell is the point of that?  After that, you get to make a character.  You have a choice between five different races, and eight classes.  Now, for some reason I’ve always enjoyed making a seemingly conflicted character, a “good” race with an “evil” class or vice versa.  So I decided to go with some sort of leafy plant person, who was a necromancer, and that’s when things started to go south on me.

As someone who is a veteran of countless MMORPG’s over the years, I think I have a pretty good handle on what to expect, but for some reason my first experience with this one was an extremely jarring one.  First off, the starting zone for the leafy people felt extremely alien and hard to navigate.  Secondly, my necromancer played and felt nothing like any necromancer in any other game I’ve played.  Instead of a spell caster with a mastery of the power over death, casting debilitating spells from afar while their minion attacks, I found myself smack in the middle of the melee.  Yes, necros in this game are pretty much high damage melee with light armour.  Squishy yet deadly.   The combat, although quite different from traditional MMO’s, is actually quite similar to The Secret World.  There is a heavy emphasis on fast paced, action oriented combat.  Just not quite so punishing as unforgiving as TSW.

I decided to take a step back and start from scratch after that initial foray.  I went back to the drawing board and made a human guardian class.  Basically a dude in armour with an emphasis on defensive combat.  Now partly because I knew what to expect, and having a more traditional class and starting area, I could really focus on enjoying the game.  The first thing that really struck me is that this game is truly drop dead gorgeous, and the developers know it.  You get experience points for just about everything in this game: completing quest, killing monsters, helping NPC’s, collecting trade materials, crafting items, tying your shoes correctly, tying your shoes incorrectly, and even from just wandering around and seeing the sights.  I went from level six to level seven simply by wandering around the starting city looking at all the beautiful scenery.

There’s really only one quest, and it spans the whole game.  It’s the story of your character, which is based off some questions the game asks you when you initially make him.  This story will change over time depending on the decisions you make as you play the game, so no two people playing the game will have the same story.  For example, in my story, I had to deicide whether to save countless people from being poisoned, or save my best friend from being carved up by a ruthless gang leader.  Depending on what you decide, the story changes.

As for the rest of the game, there is no quest log, or npc’s asking you to kill 35 sewer rats, or collect 18 lumps of moose poo.  Everything in the game just kind of happens as you wander around.  You’ll come across a caravan making it’s way from one town to another, and you can travel with it, protecting it from various perils.  When you get to your destination, you will get XP, money, and karma.  You may even discover that the village you just showed up at is under attack by rabid weasels or what have you.  Now you are in another event, protect the town.  That’s how the game plays out, it flows along very organically and really feels like you are just an adventurer wandering the world and….well adventuring.

So far, my noble hero guy is only level 11 out of a possible 85 levels, so I haven’t really seen enough to comment on grouping, character advancement, pvp, or high level content, but what I have seen so far has impressed me greatly.  I may make a second impression post at some point, maybe I won’t, I don’t know, where am I?  Who are you people?!  Get off my lawn!

Now if you will excuse me, I have some rabid, zombie, robot, giant, killer weasels to hunt down and defeat with my +4 dagger of nerdiness.  HUZZAH!


Wednesday, 5 September 2012

Nokia Lumia? More like Poo-mia! Amirite?

So today was the big day for Nokia and Microsoft.  They’ve been gearing up for today for months now, preparing for the big product announcement in New York City.

I have to preface this post right off the bat to say I’m actually a big fan of the Nokia Windows phone, in fact my phone is a Lumia 900.  Also, like Bruce Wayne believes in Harvey Dent, I believe in Windows 8.  It’s not the OS we deserve, but the OS we need right now.  So the inevitable stream of negative to downright hostile diatribe to follow must be construed as, oh let’s call it “constructive criticism.”

Ok, let’s get down to business.  I’m not what you would call an “expert” on things like press events, or announcing new products, but I’m pretty sure that if you massively hype up an event 6 months in advance, you had damn well better bring your ‘A’ game.  You had better blow our collective asses out of the water.  What we got from Nokia and Microsoft wasn’t even their ‘B’ game, it’s was hovering somewhere around their ‘F’ game.  That would be ‘F’ as in such popular words as “Fail.”

There wasn’t a single thing at their press release today that was even mildly surprising, pretty much everything new they had to show was already common knowledge, leaked on the internet days and weeks before.  Some of the “revolutionary” new features like city lens, I’ve had on my Luima 900 for almost two weeks already.  All in all, it seemed a lot more like Nokia was announcing a new camera than a new phone.  I swear they couldn’t stop gushing about the fucking camera on this thing.  A camera with such unheard of things as “image stabilization”, and some newfangled thing called a “BSI” sensor.  They did show off some somewhat gimmicky but sort of neat after affect type apps, like animating parts of the frame, or erasing unwanted components of the image, but those deserve a footnote at best, not front and center attention.

Despite all the blathering on, they manage to say remarkably little of any real use or relevance to the people who are actually going to buy this stuff.  How much do they cost?  When are they available?  How long will it go on a charge?  Which carriers will be picking them up?   In my opinion these are the real meat and potatoes of any product announcement.  Don’t bore me with any other bullshit unless it’s really gonna blow my ass away.  In this regard, they should take a page from apple’s playbook, they know how to announce a new product.  Then again, they might sue your ass if you do that.

Let’s get to the actual presentation itself.  Stephan Elop did a decent job of Bookending the whole presentation.  I mean as the CEO of Nokia, you would expect him to get up there and say a few flattering words about his company.  He performed as expected, with adequate speaking skills, if a little wooden.  For the other three presenters, two from Nokia and one from Microsoft, it was nothing short of a train wreck.  A stuttering, mumbling, awkward, sweaty under armed train wreck with all the personality of a potato.  When the presenters weren't dazzling you with their lack of public speaking skills, you can marvel at the technicians scurrying around the stage, trying in vain to get failed demo’s to work properly.  Breathtaking.  Just when you thought you couldn’t take anymore of this whirlwind extravaganza of showmanship, Steve Ballmer himself popped by to talk about….oh Christ, I have no idea, I think I was in a coma at this point.

As a consumer, and owner of a Lumia 900,  this is what I have taken away from the presentation:
The 920 has wireless charging, NFC, a slightly better camera, and a higher res screen.  Other than that, it’s the same as the phone I already have.  Sure, you can make an argument about the new dual core processor, the increased RAM and storage space, and the new OS. but here’s what I have to say to that.
“What does it DO for me?  Really, what does a dual core processor MEAN to me in daily use?” 
The answer of course, is nothing.  We have reached a point where specs don’t really mean much anymore, it’s about the experience.  What can I experience on the new 920 that I can’t on my 900?  In my oh so humble opinion, very little.

The whole reason why I’m tearing into these guys right now is because Microsoft really needed this to be great.  They really needed to add some validity to their new OS.  There is so much rhetoric floating around about it being to little to late, not able to compete with IOS and Android.  This was a great chance to show the world what they are made of.  Well shit guys, get it together!

I don’t know about you, but I’m getting a little tired of all this bullshit. Call me when you have a price.  Call me when I can go buy one.  Call me when you actually have something new and interesting to say.  But most importantly, call me from your new Windows phone.


Tuesday, 4 September 2012

The Death of the Noble Mouse

I know it might be a bold statement, but I’m gonna go on record today.  I believe the days of the ubiquitous input device that you likely have in your hand as we speak has it’s days numbered.  It has served us well over the years, and has yet to let us down.  It has soldiered on throughout the years as an unsung hero of the computing age.  Never complaining, even though lord knows what horrible shit you have clicked on; oh the secrets it must have!

Now the mouse is not going to go away completely, let’s just call it “semi-retirement,” it will always have a place, but it’s going to be more relegated to a niche corner of the world, things that require a little more precise moments that you can get touching your screen.  Gaming, graphics and design, auto-cad etc.
I know what you must be thinking right now, I’m thinking the same thing myself, “how many live chickens can I cram into my car?”  You might also be thinking, “Jer, you are a certified mad-man. On what basis can you make this bold and daring assumption about the current and future state of the wonderful world of high tech….ummm tech.”

Well, let me tell you champ.

You see, there is this little shindig they have in Berlin, (that’s Germany) every year around this time called the IFA.  What is the IFA you may ask.  Well, good question young sir or madam.  The IFA is a huge consumer electronics show where various companies come to show off there shit.  Why is this important?  That’s a very noble inquiry old chap.  The IFA is in the late summer/early fall, which means that all the cool ass shit you see there is going to be hitting store shelves just before Christmas.  I hear people love to by shit at that time of year.

Let’s have a quick look at the highlights!  Jeeves, roll the film!

The M3, V5 and S7 ultra books, all have been upgraded this year to touch screens.  They also are releasing two new Windows tablets.

They showed of a fucking 27 inch touch screen “tablet.”  They call it a tablet, but’s really just a touch screen all in one desktop.

Touch screen laptops, tablets, and hybrids, not a mouse to be seen.

Oh this is taking to long!  Ok, Samsung, Lenovo, Panasonic, Sony, Toshiba all are sporting touch screen laptops, ultra books, tablets, and desktops.  The more astute readers my have notice a pattern developing here, and you are correct, all these manufactures make electronics!  Also, they’re all touch screen.  In fact, the only computer manufacturer that I could find that didn’t have a touch screen computer is Apple.
I was planning on doing a whole bunch of thorough research and providing links to all these new products, but that seemed way too much like work, so I found a website that had already done all the heavy lifting.

You’re welcome.  

For better or for worse, Windows 8 has almost arrived.  Next month, there is going to be a paradigm shift, I really believe that the very fundamentals of computers is changing.  Anyone who tries to cling to the old ways is going to get left behind.
So, I think the only real thing left to say is goodnight sweet prince, your memory will live on in our hearts and mind forever-ish.
RIP 1965-2013

Wednesday, 15 August 2012

This is why we can’t have nice Things


I remember it was very late, maybe midnight.  Usually the pain would come and go in waves, but this time it wasn’t going away.  I was sitting on the floor of my bathroom, crying and begging Odin, Zeus, Jesus, Allah, Shiva, the flying spaghetti monster, and even Joe Pesci to make it stop.  It wouldn’t.  I needed to get  to emergency, but I didn’t think I could do it myself.  I tried to make some calls to people I thought may still be up, with no luck.  I would have to dig down deep and do it myself.  Somehow I managed to drive myself to emergency, I don’t remember much of the trip, but I do remember asking the security guard not to tow my car as I was checking myself in.

I sat down at the triage area, and the nurse started checking me in.  I told her that I had a kidney stone.  She checked my blood pressure and all that jazz, and then asked me a question.

“On a scale of one to ten, what would you say your pain level is?”
Well, using my episode on the bathroom floor as a guide, I told her it was and 7 or an 8.  The pain had subsided a little bit.  That was my big mistake.

So I sat there in the waiting room, I think around an hour had passed, we were getting into the early hours of the morning.  That’s when a scruffy looking man wandered in.  At triage he told the nurse that he had a terrible migraine, and when the pain question came up, he answered “10.”
The man sits down and strikes up a conversation with some other guy who was waiting, also scruffy looking, possibly homeless.  He admitted to the guy that he didn’t really have a migraine, but if he told them that, he would have a nice place to sleep for the night, and as a bonus he would high as fuck on free painkillers.
So another half hour rolls painfully by, and lo and behold, they call his name.  I’m still sitting there in pain.  Eventually they call me in, and I end up on a gurney right beside him, only separated by a sheet.  I got to hear him complain that he didn’t like the painkillers they were giving him.  He wanted something more powerful, and the nurse waited on him hand and foot.

You see this all the time in day to day life.  There are people out there that spend all their time and energy to try and cheat or manipulate the system.  I don’t understand that mentality, or how someone like that can look in mirror, and be proud of what they see.

A few years ago, someone was telling me a story about a friend of theirs who lived in the Okanogan.  This guy loved to golf, but he didn’t like to pay for it.  So here’s what he would do:

He would just show up at a golf course and insist he had a reservation, even though he didn’t.  He would then proceed to scream and shout, causing a enough of a scene that they would usually just let him play for free, all the time apologizing profusely for the “mistake.”  This is also not an unusual behaviour.  After all my years in retail/customer service, I can tell you that this is all to common.
Why do people have to be so shitty?  Maybe because they can.  Have you ever noticed that some people just seem to be able to get away with outrageous amounts of bullshit?  I’m not sure what kind of personality trait is the cause of that, but I don’t have it.  I never get away with anything.  Allow me to present a quick scenario:

Boss: Jer! What are you doing tuning your ukulele at work?  Get back to peeling potatoes!

Jer: But Hubert is tuning HIS ukulele as we speak! Can’t you hear the plunking and plinking right behind you?

Boss: Never you mind what Hubert is doing, you just watch your ass or you’re gonna get shit canned!



Thursday, 2 August 2012


I have very fond memories from my childhood of me and my friends saving up as much money as we could throughout the week, then making that triumphant march into the local video store to rent a game or two for the weekend.  Nothing would stop us either.  I remember one time, making the trek with a friend, it had to have been –35C plus wind chill.  We made the march to and from the video store with no gloves, and no toque.  We needed a game to play, so the pain of frostbite was a small price to pay.  By the time we got to the foyer at the apartment we lived at, (it was a heated foyer thankfully) we were both so cold we could not operate my keys to open the door.  So we just sat there on the floor, waiting to warm up enough to be able to articulate our fingers enough to open the door.  Finally we made it inside, popped in the game into my NES, sat down cross-legged on the floor way to close to the TV, and proceeded to do what we loved.

Some weekends we have co-op games, those were the best, as we could play together. Sometimes it was a adventure game, we couldn’t play together, but that wasn’t important, we figured out the puzzles together, sometimes keeping details notes.  Sometimes it was a straight up one player game, we would switch off after losing a life.  Unless one of us was better at certain point than the other.  I was always lousy at ice levels, I’d leave those to someone else.  I would never admit this at the time, but I actually had the most fun when I wasn’t playing, it gave me the chance to really digest the game.  The graphics, the music, the design, the flow, the puzzles, the controls, menus, story, and the overall presentation.  Even as a young kid, I knew these weren't just silly toys and distractions, they were art.  Ok, some were complete shit, I know this, but with the good ones it was easy to tell that a lot of time and effort went into them.

I loved it so much that I started designing my own games.  In the sixth grade, I remember making maze games on paper, that all my classmates couldn’t wait to play.  I would make these intricate mazes that spanned multiple pages, each page being a level.  In order to beat the page you have to find the correct keys for each door, find weapons to get past monsters, collect gems, etc.  They were a hit!

That’s probably my biggest regret in life, I had the chance, a long time ago, to do just that with my life.  Make games that would touch people all around the world, profoundly impacting their lives.  Whether I lost it, or it was taken from me, I’m still not sure of up until this day.  It doesn’t really matter, it’s ancient history now. 

To this day, I still love watching people play games, just as much as I like playing them. I guess you could say I’m a bit of gaming voyeur, except usually people know I’m watching them….usually. Not only is it fun to watch the game itself, it’s also fun to see how people react to them, joy, surprise, anger, wonder, sadness, exhilaration, a game can take you on a journey that Hollywood only wishes it could.

Enter the modern day of the Youtubes and what have you.  One of my favourite things to watch are really good let’s players.  If you don’t know what a let’s player is, it’s a person who plays through a game, and records it for the world to see.  The really good ones can be endlessly entertaining.  To be good you have to be able to provide quality commentary as you are playing to really showcase the games.  You have to be funny and insightful.  Nothing is worse than a let’s player who says. “ummmm….ahhhh” more often than anything else.  One of my favourite let’s players is a guy called “One ‘f Jeff.”  He is brilliant.  Also Cr1TiKaL, although he doesn’t play entire games, just snippets of them.

So I say, let’s hear it for let’s Players!  They are constantly under attack from short sighted game companies for supposed copywrite infringement.  Claiming they are showing game footage without consent.  They have no idea how many people buy their games because a let’s player introduced them to it.


P.S. The game I almost froze to death to play: Bug’s Bunny Crazy Castle 

Tuesday, 31 July 2012


I would like to start this post with a quote from one of the most profoundly deep and inspirational characters of our time:

Ho ho ho Hooooooooooooo! Fiction can be fun, but I find the reference section a little more enlightening.

-Ace Ventura

It's no secret that I have be known to indulge in a book or ten.  There's no telling what kind of excitement and adventure you are in for when you crack the cover of a new book.  No telling what kind of crazy characters you will be introduced to, or get re-acquainted with.  However, I must say that it doesn't always have to be make believe to be fun.  I find there is all kinds of entertainment to be had in non-fiction books, you just have to look a little bit harder.  You just may learn something along the way as well.
That being said, I though I'd share some of my favourite non-fiction works that are just plain fun to read:


Those are just a few of the many if have enjoyed.
Know anymore I should look into?  Let’s know in the comments!


Friday, 27 July 2012

In late 2008, something happened...I had just turned a relativly large corner in my life, Things started to get a little bit wonky in my brain.  These wonkinesses seemed to manifest themselves in the form of...let's day "odd" facebook updates.  I present to you dear reader, for your scrutiny and enjoyment, the great facebook madness.  All the entries you are about to see are 100% real and unedited, veiwer discretion is advised.

Jeremy Melchior is BATMAN!!
October 16, 2008 at 15:28

Jeremy Melchior has shot the food
October 20, 2008 at 17:41

Just a few blips on the radar, nothing to out of the ordinary for me anyway, but then a month later:  

Jeremy Melchior thinks that cyclops he met the other day was winking at him
November 20, 2008 at 20:04

Jeremy Melchior is on to all of you. Robots! Every last one of you! With your gears, and your clanking around and whatnot. Don't think I don't know.
November 26, 2008 at 12:52

Jeremy Melchior thinks mammoths are assholes.
December 2, 2008 at 23:08

Jeremy Melchior just realized the the correct answer to any mathematical equation is a whale. This changes everything!
December 18, 2008 at 17:38

Jeremy Melchior thinks finkle and Einhorn are in it together, but how? and why?
December 31, 2008 at 18:51

Why would that be my last posr of the year? Clearly I had important business on my mind.

Jeremy Melchior si gnikaeps ni edoc
January 6, 2009 at 12:53

Jeremy Melchior is a secret society, all by himself, no you can't join
January 10, 2009 at 18:54

Jeremy Melchior is oogaboogabooga!!!!!
January 31, 2009 at 18:11

Jeremy Melchior wants you to touch his awesome button....touch it.
April 5, 2009 at 16:34

Jeremy Melchior is a hooker with a heart of gold.
April 24, 2009 at 16:06

Then things really start to do south on me:

Jeremy Melchior is beginning to think that a golden retriever can't drive a car at all. So much for my brilliant plan. It's ok, plan B. All i need is a cookie sheet, a carburetor from a 85 tempo, a roll of duct tape and a live chicken.
May 3, 2009 at 12:16

Jeremy Melchior If you were driving down the highway, and you met yourself going the other way, do you wave? And do you wave back at yourself?
May 11, 2009 at 11:08

Jeremy Melchior you pick up a camera, and browse the photos on it. It contains pictures of you, standing exactly where you are right now, looking at the photos on a camera.
May 13, 2009 at 16:19

Jeremy Melchior I bought a CD the other day, it had no music on it, just a recording of me arguing with somebody. I went to return it the next day, as I argued with the clerk about wanting to return it, I realized that's what was on the CD.
May 22, 2009 at 23:54

Jeremy Melchior I would like to go one day back in time, I'd kill my past self and take his place, nobody would be the wiser. Even better, I could wait until the next day, go back in time again, 1 minute after I killed myself, and kill my other self. Repeat as needed f
May 23, 2009 at 17:39

Jeremy Melchior Now that I know about time travel, I decided to play a little joke on myself. I went back in time and secretly recorded an argument between my past self and store clerk about returning a CD, I then went a little farther back in time and planted the recor
May 24, 2009 at 21:56

This message is cut off for some reason, but you get the idea.

Jeremy Melchior I think there is something wrong with my bathroom mirror. This morning when I got up and stood in front of it, all I could see was the back of my head, my reflection was facing the same was as me.
May 26, 2009 at 18:07

Jeremy Melchior I had trouble getting out of the house this morning. The front door just lead back into the house for some reason. I tried the bathroom door, but that just lead to the storage closet. The linen closet door lead to the bedroom. Finally I just crawled out the window.
May 31, 2009 at 18:01

Jeremy Melchior This morning when I got up, the shower was spraying orange juice, the towel racks had pancakes instead of towels, the soap bar was bacon, and there was cereal in the toilet bowl, I thought to myself, "It's gonna be a breakfasty kind of day."
June 2, 2009 at 19:22

Jeremy Melchior is currently sleeping. Which begs two questions. 1) how the hell did i write this? and 2)Where the hell are my pants?
June 4, 2009 at 21:33

Jeremy Melchior the sun was being a dick this morning. It started to rise as per usual, but then it ducked back down behind the horizon. I know it was there, I could hear it giggling to itself
June 9, 2009 at 19:19

Jeremy Melchior The other day I was wandering through the forest when a bear jumped out from behind a tree. I slowly backed away, knowing you're not suppose to run. To my surprise he said, "spare some change?" "What would a bear need change for?" I asked. "For the bus" I gave him some, but I knew he was going to spend it on booze.
June 15, 2009 at 16:38

Jeremy Melchior just realized that he's been speed-walking everywhere in slow motion.
June 16, 2009 at 22:58

Jeremy Melchior when I was young I had an imaginary friend that was a zombie named Gary. I didn't realize he wasn't actually imaginary until one day I came home from school and he had eaten our neighbors, the Hendersons. We had to move.
June 26, 2009 at 21:52

Jeremy Melchior isn't Jeremy
June 29, 2009 at 19:37

That is a little troubling...

Jeremy Melchior Last night I was asleep and dreaming that I was asleep and dreaming that I was asleep and dreaming that I was asleep and dreaming that I was awake, which I was.
July 5, 2009 at 8:29

Jeremy Melchior I remember the last time a traveled by bus. Halfway through the trip, we were boarded by pirates. They plundered all of our booty and scuttled us. There wasn't really a plank anywhere to make us walk, so they just made us walk to the next town.
July 6, 2009 at 13:39

Jeremy Melchior was attacked by an axe murderer the other day. He was wielding a machete . When he swung at me much to my surprise (and his) the blade bounced right off. Turns out axe murderers can only use axes. Who knew?
July 21, 2009 at 16:46

Jeremy Melchior I'll never forget the day my twin met his evil twin brother. I tell you, where would the world be without hastily dug shallow graves?
July 29, 2009 at 17:41

Jeremy Melchior was eaten by a yeti.
August 11, 2009 at 21:47

Jeremy Melchior was regurgitated by a yeti.
August 12, 2009 at 19:39

Jeremy Melchior is best friends with a yeti.
August 13, 2009 at 18:35

Jeremy Melchior just found out a yeti has been spreading all kinds of awful rumours about me, what a jerk.
August 14, 2009 at 18:30

Jeremy Melchior Blacked out. When I woke up, I was covered in Yeti blood and fur. I guess this ends the saga of the yeti.
August 15, 2009 at 17:44

Jeremy Melchior was eaten by an abominable snowman. Just kidding, they don't exist.
August 16, 2009 at 10:17

Jeremy Melchior I've been writing the same thing on this update for 3 weeks now. Tomorrow, I'll start again, the same thing, but none of you will remember.
August 16, 2009 at 22:22

Jeremy Melchior I've been writing the same thing on this update for 3 weeks now. Tomorrow, I'll start again, the same thing, but none of you will remember.
August 17, 2009 at 17:35

Jeremy Melchior has not had a single problem with a yeti so far today. I've been yeti free for days now. Yeti.
August 18, 2009 at 16:15

I really don't know what's with the yeti...

Jeremy Melchior I was sitting at the computer the other day, and a fuzzy black thing fell from the ceiling. As I looked up, more of them started to fall. Soon it was falling like snow. Its smelled like ashes. It started getting very hot, the wall were turning red. Then I started to hear wailing and screaming. I tell you, living next door to a volcano with a roller coaster over it sucks.
August 21, 2009 at 18:01

Jeremy Melchior I was about to get into my car this morning to drive to work when I noticed a very large bee had become trapped in there. I asked him politely if he would leave, but apparently he didn't want to. I said fine, but I have to get to work. He told me he would leave my car if I let him drive. Turns out, bees can drive a stick shift like a motherfucker.
September 10, 2009 at 18:27

Jeremy Melchior woke up this morning 10 minutes behind reality. Very odd, no people, no sounds, nothing. Everyone and everything was ten minutes in the future. All that was left was the empty shell of the past. Damn inconvenient, my present self took my car to work, I had to walk all the way there. He ate my breakfast too.
September 17, 2009 at 20:18

Jeremy Melchior I wish I was the inventor of bacon. Then people would be like, "hey, what's up?" I'd be all like, "not much, just invented bacon." They'd be like, "awesome!" Then I'd be like, "I know!"
September 24, 2009 at 17:30

Jeremy Melchior One time I got hopelessly lost in the amazonian rain forest. Days and days I wandered, i got to the end of my rope, my feet were swollen, I was covered in bug bites, I was sick with god knows what. I'm my delirium, I asked a monkey for directions to the nearest town, turns out he had a car. He drove me out, all I had to do was pay for gas.
September 26, 2009 at 21:29

Jeremy Melchior was driving down the road tonight, when the clouds above me suddenly got dark and foreboding.They swirled around,the wind picked up.A funnel cloud raced down from the sky,with a flash of lighting,a figure appeared on the road ahead of me.He was astride a mighty steed,30ft tall or more.His fiery eyes drilled into my soul.He pointed at me."Jeremy," he said with a voice like booming thunder,"your cell bill is overdue!"
October 20, 2009 at 20:11

Jeremy Melchior the other morning I was getting ready for my day.Got cleaned up,put some clothes on,and walked into the living room.Then I realized that I had no clothes on.Funny I could have sworn I just did that.No matter,back to the bedroom,put on some clothes.Got to the kitchen,I have no clothes on.It happened about a dozen times before I could finally leave the house.
November 6, 2009 at 11:36

Jeremy Melchior you know in movies when they go to an insane asylum and there's always that one inmate that they keep permanently eff'ed up so all they do is drool on themselves and stare at the wall? Yeah, I want that.
November 11, 2009 at 0:02

I think this is about when I started to realize how wierd things had gotten.

Jeremy Melchior has discovered that the difference between a duck is mile and a quarter of blue water vapor. Wrapped up in a broken hair style of bacon encrusted happy pants. The co-processor of this happenstance is the root of lemon boozed carp. Sky shoes in the dark horse trap are bungled zippers.
November 14, 2009 at 13:34

...but I couldn't seem to stop

Jeremy Melchior is scratatonically frumpdillious
December 4, 2009 at 0:29

Jeremy Melchior i see his beady little eyes everywhere i go. this is the perfect time for a yeti to be stalking me, with the snow and all. I'm no fool though, i know he's out there, watching, waiting...i'll be ready.
December 6, 2009 at 21:47

Jeremy Melchior had a dream last night that a vampire was stalking me and trying to turn me to evil. When she caught me she said, "life is the only thing worth dying for." I woke up and I was like, "did I just blow my own mind? In my sleep?" A quick Google search and turns out it's some crappy movie that nobody has heard of that came out in 2004.

Jeremy Melchior If 2009 was a villain in a movie, today would be like when you thought the villain was FINALLY dead, but it come back one more time to try and kill you. Eff you 09.

Interesting, interesting indeed....

Jeremy Melchior Yesterday, when I got to work, the parking lot was already full, everything except cars. Horse and buggies, rickshaws, go-karts, the odd airplane. Finally I found a space, just before I pulled in, a cow, suspended by a balloon, swooped in and stole it from me. Just as I suspected, cows are parking spot stealers.
January 4, 2010 at 12:51

Jeremy Melchior On the way home tonight I followed a single cab pickup most of the way. We stopped at a red light. The man in the truck slowly started to turn his head to the right, it kept turning and turning until he was facing me directly. He had a creepy grin on his face. The light turned green and he drove off, still facing me.
January 6, 2010 at 19:24

Jeremy Melchior sometimes I Push the listen button on my apartments intercom just to see if there is anyone standing at the front door, talking about me, and plotting.
March 12, 2010 at 0:04

Notice the dates, the crazy updates are getting farther apart

Jeremy Melchior if you find yourself lost in the wilderness, and you hear what appears to be human laughter, common knowledge is that it is a Canadian loon. As their call can sound like laughter. However, this is false, it's actually tree spirits, and they are coming to kill you.
March 15, 2010 at 8:32

Jeremy Melchior I have absolutely nothing funny, creative, insightful, goofy, weird, odd, offbeat, insane, intelligent, rude, clever, or stupid to say. I must be slipping.
April 25, 2010 at 22:14

I think the worst of it is almost over.

Jeremy Melchior to who ever signed an organ donor card, and by that action created a small miracle for my mom, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
May 24, 2010 at 23:54

This was an important day, fun fact, this comment holds my person record fo the amount of "likes" it got.

Jeremy Melchior today I was walking through the parking lot on my lunch break, when I saw a little green blob of goo on the ground, about the size of a football. It had 2 beady little eyeballs on stalks. When it saw me it started making a little warbling noise and began to follow me. It made a little slurpy sucking noise as it moved. I guess it thought I was it's mother or something. I know, odd indeed.
June 22, 2010 at 18:09

The occasional relapse

Jeremy Melchior Does it bother anybody else that you will never, ever see your own face? Reflections, images, drawings of it yes, but never your actual face.
September 29, 2010 at 13:21

There are the occasional spattering of lunacy from here on out, all the way up to the present day, but it's all very standard by my brains measurment.  Nothing that's been quite so ferociously and vigourously abundant as it is was in 2009 and 2010.  So if oyu met me in 2009 or 2010, I apologize, you met me a a very strange time in my life.  Cue the pixies.  "where is my mind?"


Wednesday, 18 July 2012


I was up very late last night because I couldn't sleep.  Usually when I can't sleep it's because my brain won't shut the fuck up.  So I was sitting there in the dark, and I started thinking about the dark itself.  I think a lot of people find night time and darkness to be unsettling.  Possibly a vestigial emotion from when we were kids. In children, it's not considered to be a phobia, its normal, unless it persists into adulthood.  They call that nyctophobia.  Like any other phobia, it's an intense irrational fear response to an object or situation that poses little or no threat.  As far as darkness goes, I most definitely do not have a phobia of it.  I actually kind of like it.  Don't worry, I'm not going to start spouting bad goth poetry.  My life is not a deep spiraling pit of darkness and despair, crying blood drops instead of tears.  It just makes me feel comfortable, and safe.
So I got to thinking, is there an opposite to a phobia?  I was thinking maybe I had anti-nyctophobia or something like that.  Well, I don't know why, but it took me quite a bit of googling to figure it out, maybe because it was 3 in the morning.  At any rate, the opposite of a phobia is, as near as I can tell, a philia.  As made famous by the word necrophilia, and other such unpleasantries.  A philia is described as "love of or obsession" with something.  So in my case I would have nyctophilia?  That just sounds a little unpleasnt, and possibly contagious.  Also, I'm not obsessed with dark or night time, I just enjoy it's company.  One could say I love night, but I'm not IN love with night.  I'm sorry night, it's not you it's me.

So, as my mind often does, I found it wandering around the internet, dazed, confused and really tired, but still I couldn't sleep.  So I stared reading about phobias...man is there ever some fucked up people out there!  There is quite literally a phobia (and consequentially a philia, and a mania) for absolutely everything!

Here are some of my favorites:

Sesquipedalophobia- Fear of long words. (really? should that be such a long word?)
Sinistrophobia- Fear of things to the left or left-handed. (I'm left handed, I guess I'm the boogie man)
Teutophobia- Fear of German or German things (to be fair, they are scary)
Theophobia- Fear of gods or religion (smart move)
Anablephobia- Fear of looking up (maybe dogs CAN look up, they're just afraid)
Epistemophobia- Fear of knowledge (you know someone like this, don't you?)
Kyphophobia- Fear of stooping. (dafuq?)
Novercaphobia- Fear of your step-mother. (lol)
Phronemophobia- Fear of thinking (bu-wah?)
and my personal favorite:
Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia- Fear of the number 666.

Also, here are some fan favorites, how many do you have? (these are the 10 most common)

1)Acrophobia - fear of hieghts
2)Claustrophobia - fear of enclosed spaces
3)Ophidiophobia- fear of snakes
4)Arachnophobia - Fear of Spiders
5)Trypanophobia - Fear of Injection or Medical Needles
6)Astraphobia - Fear of Thunder and Lightning
7)Mysophobia AKA Germophobia - Fear of Germs
8)Nyctophobia - Fear of the Dark
9)i don't feel like
10)adding 2 more


Sunday, 15 July 2012


So, I've been playing this new MMORPG call The Secret world.  I know, I know, I can already here the collective groans of "oh great, yet another WoW ripoff.  All these MMO's are all the same, cookie cutter, stale game play."
Well, I'm here to tell you Funcom actually did a really good job breaking the mould, and here's why:

The first, and in my opinion greatest difference is the player advancement.  There is no set linear advancement like traditional MMO's.  There is no levels, and you can't "grind" your way to success.  All the advancement is more of a lateral advancement.  You can grow your character's skill set in may different directions, but the skills don't necessarily get better, just more varied.  The deciding factor of your success depends much more on proper skill selection, and knowing how to use them, then on shear force.  Combat is much more about strategy, movement, positioning, and timing, then any other MMO I've played.

Essentially, to build up you character, you earn Anima Points (AP) and skill points (SP) by questing and killing stuff, much like any MMO.  The difference is, these points are essentially limitless, as there are no levels, there are no caps.  You then spend those points to buy abilities and such.  You could could in theory get every skill in the game if you play long enough.  There's no need to make an alt.  The key here is, you can only used 7 active abilities at a time, and 7 passive ones, so choose wisely.  There are 3 ability categories, each with 3 sub-categories.  Guns, melee, and magic.  Under guns you have pistols, shotguns, and assault rifles.  Under melee, you have swords claws and hammers.  Under magic you have chaos, blood, and elemental.  Use them to make whatever the hell kind of character you wish.

Questing has also gotten a huge face lift.  The quests are dividing into types of quests.  Story line, main, dungeon, and side quests.   Story line quests are the over all story of the area you are playing in, it's a huge quest usually with many stages, the first one has 18 stages.  Dungeon quests are simply quests involving a dungeon, you can only have one of these are a time.  Side quests are usually fairly simple tasks with only a few steps, fetch, kill, investigate, that sort of thing, you can have 3 at once.
Main quests are really the bread and butter of the game.  They are usually quite a bit more involved, and add a lots back story and color to the areas.  There are several types of main quests.  Standard ones are usually straight forward but riddled with story telling and character interaction.  There is tons of detail put into these quests.  There is also stealth quests, usually leading to solo instances where you have to find a way to sneak past defenses, requires a bit of problem solving.  The finally type of quest is called an investigation type.  This is where shit gets real!  These quests give you virtually nothing to go on, no map markings or hints, and often you need to look outside the game to solve them.  There is one quest that has you translating latin, researching famous painters, looking up verses in the bible, and cracking codes.  All of this is not in game, I actually had to use google translate, and find the bible verse online.  These really make you think outside the box, and some are very complex.  No hand holding here kids.

 Over all, I really think this a fresh take on the genre, and I'm having a blast playing it.  However, this game with never make it big, for several reasons.  First off, it's a very adult game.  It's most defiantly earned it's "M" rating.  Gore, violence, language, sex, it's got it all!  I think it's great, but that really hurts it's mass market appeal.  Secondly is the difficulty, it's absolutely, unforgivingly, brutal.  The chat is just riddled with people who have migrated over from other MMO's constantly bitching about not understanding this quest or that thing.  People claiming things are broken because they couldn't figure it out in 10 seconds or less.  It's not for the faint of heart, but if you are looking for something to challenge your brain, with a rich, moody horror story  like atmosphere, then you will love this.

Just beware of the black house.  I stumbled upon it while I was wandering around.  I tried to walk in the front door, but a force threw me back out.  I decided to try the back door, I got in, but the wall were bleeding, there was voices whispering horrible things in my head, my vision got blurry, and I started to loose health.  I barely stumbled back out with my life.
Expect to find that, and thousand more equally creepy yet delightful environments in this game.

I give this game, 4.5 vile, screaming, hellspawned, monsters from beyond out of 5.